Helping Yourself Heal

Helping Yourself Heal After Losing a Loved One

It's About Giving Yourself Permission to Mourn

After you lose a loved one, you are now faced with taking care of all the details of settling their accounts and notifying various government agencies. However, at the same time you have to find time to feel all the emotions , and think the thoughts surrounding the death of the person you’ve recently lost.

An essential part of healing is to simply mourn. You are beginning a journey that is often painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. Throughout this page, we have provided some suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Your Grief is Unique


There is no one that will grieve the exact same way as you. Your experience will be influenced by a variety of different factors: the relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system, and your cultural and religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own unique way. We ask that you please don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people, or make assumptions about how long your grief should last. It can be helpful to take a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Talk About How You Feel

When sharing your grief outside of yourself, that when healing begins to occur. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control, or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging what you say. Avoid people who are critical or who will try to discount what you are experiencing. They may tell you, "keep your chin up" or "carry on". While these comments may be well-intended, they may make you feel worse than they do help. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.

Expect to Feel a Mixture of Emotions .... At Unexpected Times

You may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel along your journey. Sometimes these emotions of grief will follow each other within a short period of time. However, they may occur simultaneously. There's no way to know exactly when your stages of grief will occur.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. Consider these beautiful words:

“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them openly.

Feeling Numb? It's OK ... in Fact, it's Expected

Feeling dazed or numb when someone you loved passes away is often part of the early grief experience. This numbness actually serves a valuable purpose: it allows your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will likely leave you very tired. Not only that, your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are practicing survival skills.

Build a Network of Support

It is not recommended that you isolate yourself. We know that reaching out to others and accepting support can be difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do during this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings, both happy and sad.

Engage the Healing Power of Ritual


The funeral service was important, but so are those small, personal rituals that we create almost out of thin air. The lighting of a candle in the evening; writing a letter to a loved one, and then burning it, symbolically sending the messages of love up into the heavens. Don't feel shy - your personal rituals are just for you, to help you feel better, and find a spiritual connection to your loved one.

The Hopi Indians of Arizona believe that our daily rituals and prayers literally keep this world spinning on its axis. Through little rituals and thoughts we create a life that speaks to each of us, even in the darkest of times.

So, if you're inspired to do so, we encourage you to create small rituals to help you express your feelings and pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.

Embrace Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seems appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, recognize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. Always remember that to deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. We definitely recommend expressing your faith, but express your grief as well.

Search for Meaning

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he die?" "Why this way?" "Why now?" This search for meaning is another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers, yet some do not. Honestly, it’s not important to get clear answers. Find a supportive friend who will listen attentively as you search for meaning, without feeling the need to offer their opinions unless you ask them to.

Treasure Your Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after a loved dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.

We often suggest that, when the time is right, you create a Book of Memories™ in honour of your loved one. If this interests you, give us a call. We’ll be glad to help you get started, or return to one started earlier.

Move Toward Your Grief ... Not Away From It

The writer George Eliot penned these beautiful words…“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.”

When we meet with families, we often share this imagery with them. It communicates the work, in this case the "wrestling" one has to do with the emotions of grief, as well as the long-term goal of the work: becoming comfortable with grief; to sit with it, to embrace it. And, more importantly, to recognize it as your ally, and a natural part of loving someone.

In fact, the capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.
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